by Jordan Corts
Welcome to the second annual Satirical Extravaganza, presented by yours truly, Jordan Corts. To start, I will be teaching all of you dear readers one of my favorite tactics to prepare for exams and keep calm.
This tactic will require starting a new diet and a new exercise routine. The diet consists of Cheetos, Mountain Dew (Diet of course), Takis, and anything else that has high fructose corn syrup. For your workout routine I suggest telling your friends, family, and even yourself that you do 100’s of pushups, sit-ups, and squats everyday, when in reality the most you’ve moved all week is to get the TV remote.
Now that you’ve obtained the body of a Greek god, you’ll be wanting to focus on your studying, and for this I have yet another secret tactic. This tactic will require you to gather up all the study material you can find and then burn it containing the fumes in glass jars. You will take these jars to the exam site and breathe in the air before the test and that’s it BOOM -you’ll get a 100 on every single exam.
Now that you’re a genius and beautiful, you should test your luck in the casinos, though you may require a comically large trench coat to hide your identity as a child. I'm sure you’ll have a good time as long as you don’t mind wasting all of your money.
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